According to Rachel Aydt in her article, The Know-it-All Phase: suddenly your kid thinks he’s an expert at everything. We’ve got ways to give your wise guy some insight the know-it-all phase in a child is likely to affect 7-8 years old.
The reason for a child “know-it-all” attitude according to Aydt, “when kids become aware of what their peers are doing their ego get bruised”, and your child begins to believe that knowing everything will give her social clout.
The best course of action to take when parents see their child acting like a know-it-all is to:
Approach her when the two of you are alone and point out what you witnessed in a gentle but matter-of-fact way, suggests Fran Walfish, Psy.D., author of The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child. Say something like, “Earlier on the playground I heard you tell Sophie she was wrong about your game, and she seemed to get upset.” Then ask her how she would feel if Sophie told her she was wrong. Suggest friendlier ways for her to point out differences next time by saying something like, “I have a different idea than you,” or “I disagree.” Of course, this won’t instantaneously fix her M.O., but it will plant the seed of empathy.
A child by the age of 7 has acquired a vast amount of information and his or her teacher may report that he or she is, “constantly raising his or her hand or shouting out answers. While its great that he or she is eager, he or she should not dominate the class” advises Aydt.
How to Help Explain to him that he needs to make space for others. If you’ve begun a dialogue about how his tendency to outshine everyone else makes his friends feel, the next part of your talk can be about allowing others to participate. Start with an example, so he knows what you mean. You could say, “I saw at karate that you kept answering all of the questions that the sensei asked, but a lot of other kids were also raising their hand. More than one person should get an opportunity to show people they know things.” Tell him that if he gives others a chance to share, they’ll be more likely to listen to him when he has something to say.
What causes more know-it-all causes according to Aydt is when your child is used to be praised. When a parent constantly praise a child for every ‘milestones’—The child eats up all his or her veggies or reads a book for the first time, the child will continue to seek approval from the parents by being a know-it-all. Here is how to help according to Aydt.
Compliment her, but take it down a notch. For instance, instead of praising every correct answer on her homework, comment on her overall effort. If you do so less often, you’ll teach her to be happy about the work she did rather than your praise. Then, when she’s at school or with friends, she won’t be shocked when her knowledge doesn’t elicit a big reaction from others.
Other causes that can make children become a know-it-all has to do with insecurity and overcompensating highlight Aydt:
‘Kids who feel insecure in one area may overdo it in another to make up for what they think they are lacking,’ says Spiegel. If your child is constantly telling his friend how much more he knows about Pokémon than his friend does, he might be feeling like he’s coming up short with another skill. Perhaps his friend has mastered how to pop wheelies. Your child could be thinking, “What am I better at than he is — and how can I show him?’
Aydt advises on the topic on how to help your child in these circumstances:
Tell him it’s okay to have different talents, says Spiegel. “His friends will always be better at some things than he is, and vice versa. These differences are actually good and something to be celebrated.
Further, Claire McCarthy, MD., in her article, Think hard before shaming children warns again shaming children. McCarthy argues that shaming is a bad idea and that there is a line between criticism and shaming. What parents might consider constructive criticism; children perceived as shaming. Here is a list of what parents can perceive as constructive criticism according to McCarthy:
“Do you really want to go out looking like that?”
“You let your teammates down during that game.”
“Why can’t you get good grades like your sister?”
“Why do you hang out at home all the time instead of going out like other kids?”
“Why are you crying? It’s not that bad.”
McCarthy warns against a parent’s perception of constructive criticism and child’s translation of that constructive criticism, “As we blurt out such things, we usually don’t think of them as shaming. We think of them as something that might help our child recognize a problem — and perhaps motivate them to change. We think of them as constructive criticism”. McCarthy prescribes parents to take this approach when criticizing a child:
We do best as parents when we take the time to understand why our children do what they do — and find collaborative, supportive ways to help them make safe, kind, and healthy choices. As parents, our words have power; as much as we can, we need to use that power for good.
The line between criticism and shaming:
- Sometimes the child cannot change, like how you cannot change the way you look, so a thing like fat shamming only hurts the child, “Not everyone is a star student or athlete” as further examples.
- Sometimes what is being shamed is part of a child’s identity. Clothing choices are a good example, especially for teens. So is how and with whom a child chooses to spend their time.
- Shaming has the adverse effect, instead of a child feeling motivated to change, “it makes them feel like they are not capable”.
- Shaming also makes the child feel bad about themselves, especially when the shaming is coming from someone the child loves, it messes with the child’s self-esteem, to the point where its permanent.
McCarthy’s advice to putting a stop to shamming:
- Stop, Think & Ask yourself:
- Is this something they can change?
- Is it important that they change it?
If the answer to either one is “no”, then don’t wase your time or energy criticizing.
If the answer to both is “yes”, then ask yourself these questions:
- Is this a good place and time to say something?
- Do they want to change this behavior?
Criticizing a child in public should only be considered, if the child had been “rude or hurtful to someone or done something that could be unsafe”.
Its not a good time to criticize a child when the child is upset, “or when they are in a situation where they need to keep their composure or not be distracted, that’s less about shaming and more about being kind and effective.
The last and most important question to ask yourself is:
- Is there a better way of changing this behavior? And the answer to this is most likely going to be ‘yes’
Works Cited
Aydt, Rachel. The Know-It-All Phase: Suddenly, your kid thinks he’s an expert at everything. We’ve got ways to give your wiseguy some insight. (September 2011). https://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/child-constructive-criticism/ Retrieved 5/1/2022.
McCarthy, Claire. Think hard before shaming children. Child & Teen Health. Harvard health Publishing. Harvard Medical School. (Jan. 2020). https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/think-hard-before-shaming-children-2020012418692 Retrieved 5/2/2022.
